Today I find out my friends mother died of breast cancer. I also just got a call from my doctors office telling me my papsmear came back abnormal and the HPV test positive. It doesn't mean I have cancer but it does mean I have to go back to the doctors. Why today of all days??

I can't have cancer. I've finally found the person who I want to be the father of my children. I can't have cancer, I just can't. I'm too young and I haven't had my children yet.

Believe it or not, Jeff and I put up Christmas stuff yesterday. We did it way early because we won't be in town the week before Christmas and wanted to enjoy it. SO we're silly.

Jeff told me he wouldn't mind if I grew my hair out. Meaning of course he wants me to but didn't want me to feel pressured to. I've wanted to start growing it out for awhilie but just wasn't inspired enough to do it until now. This morning I fell asleep watching tv before work (after I'd showered and everything). I woke up with this section of hair sticking out to the left and no matter how much water and spit I've put on it, it just won't lie flat. I am not looking forward to the awkward hair stage. It will be nice to have long hair again though. Besides, if I ever get married (middle finger to CB) I want to have long flowy hair. And I see a lot of potential with Jeff- knock on wood- so good time to start growing it.

Jeff and I went to my parents for breakfast yesterday. I ended up taking some of my watercoloring supplies back to his place. He said I could use his loft to watercolor. I'm SOOO excited to be able to watercoloring again. Not that I'm any good, its just fun. Next step to take my easle over.

A bunch of new photos are up on my flickr account if you are interested.....

More to come after this weekend

I can't wait to play with it!!!!!

Jeffie is taking me on a picnic tonight. I am SOOOOO in love with the man.

This weekend I was supposed to be going to Ren Faire with Jeff, his brother, his sister and her partner. However, the following weekend Jeff and I are going to my friends wedding. Kat is going to be there so I'm determined to look really good. Of course the only time my hair dresser can get me in for hair color and cut is on Saturday morning. I told Jeff to go without me and initially he cancelled the plans. But his brother gave him a hard time yesterday and so now they are going to Ren Faire without me. GOD DAMN IT. I got all upset and was crying last night. I was crying mostly because I don't want to be the clingy girlfriend who can't live without her boyfriend for one day and last night I was totally being that which upset me more. So Jeff and I were both aggitated and upset. Then our cats were squabbling. DAMN IT. I need a day alone with my boyfriend. Scream of frustration.

I got drugs, WEEEEEE!!! After hacking and weezing for a week, I've called my doctor. If I get a flu or cold, sometimes I have horrible coughing fits for a long time. A few years ago my doctor told me to call when I'd cough for a while and he'd give me asthma medication and cough syrup. YES! No more horrible coughing fit until I'm crying.

I love Jeff and I love his family. His sister is a lesbian and she and her partner are completely awesome. Alicia, the partner, is teaching Jeff and I yoga which is fun. But yesterday when we saw them I had a bit of a hard time because they'd just come back from an Olivia Cruise (cruise company charters other cruise ships for lesbians). I felt so depressed hearing about how there where these lesbians who'd been together for 20, 30, 40 years. And of course it made me think, why the hell did Kat have to leave me? I adored her, I trusted her. I'm still very saddend by the fact that she left and it hurts like a bitch sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I'm very much in love with Jeff and think he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but after an 8 1/2 year relatioinship ends, its hard to not be sad about the fact that your best friend and lover are now gone forever. I miss her, I miss talking to her, I miss the rats.

I've been home with the flu until today. At home my laptop isn't hooked up to the internet yet so I haven't been able to blog.

*Hack* WEEZE*

Just busy at work and my computer isn't at Jeff's yet.

Tomorrow we will go to my parents house to collect Simba. Tomorrow my two favorite boys in the whole wide world will be under one roof so I don't have to pick who to spend time with. I am totally taking pictures (Jeff's camera) of the two of them together.

CB never ever called. Ha! Any one else shocked? Not me. Anyway, good riddance, I'm in love and now living with someone who really, truely loves me.

I still miss Mother Sugar. She would be so completely surprised at how much my life has changed since she retired. I'm desperate to email her, but fortunately have restrained myself.

I've been letting other people's worries and concerns about me moving in with Jeff affect me. But you know what? No more. No one knows the deep conversations we have. He's told me stuff that I can't share here, but definitely shows how good of a man he is. He's funny, he understands my depression (that is SO hard to find), and most importantly, he's incredibly honest and doesn't sugar coat anything. There aren't any children involved, only 3 cats. I'm not going to let other peoples doubts ruin my happiness. He is amazing and quite possibly the love of my life. I am not going to be anxious or depressed or worried about moving in. I'm going to move in and enjoy it. There will be adjustments and arguements and whatever but in relationships that happen. I am done worrying about what other people think. This is my decision and I'm going to damn well enjoy it.

But... I am moving in with Jeff!!!!!!

I know it's really fast and whatever. But you know, it feels right. We've shared an incredible amount with each other, we've cried together, we've squabbled a little and it just feels right. My mom said we'd talk about it tonight but she seems to think I'm 16 years old. I know its fast. But when it's so right, it's so right.

Jeff has met my parents already. However, this weekend we're doing the dinner thing.

This should be interesting. It's been a hell of a long time since I've had to do this.

And, tonight, he's making me dinner.

This morning I received poetry in my inbox from Jeff. If he's trying to sweep me off my feet, he's doing a good job.

Why do guys have to be so damned hard to shop for?? I have no damned idea what to get boyfriend for his birthday damn it.

that says Happy Anniversary Showed up at my office this afternoon for me. Have I mentioned I've only been dating him A MONTH??????

I think he likes me.

The women in my office are jealous and the men are complaining that Jeff is making them look bad.

Excuse me while I pass out in happiness

Happy One Month anniversary Baby!

Awesome boyfriend sent me an ecard. Why do i feel like I'm in grade school?

My boyfriend referred to me as the love of his life yesterday. :-) I just want to spend all of my time with him since he's so cool to hang out with. Once or twice a week he comes and hangs out at my place so I don't have to drive the 15 miles to his place every day. We don't have sex as we're at my parents so we just sit and have great conversations. I'm a very happy Pixie

I ran into Kat getting the oil changed in my car. She had happened to be getting her car serviced as well. She asked for the keys to her place back (we had agreed to keep each others incase we lock our selves out). In any case, I gladly gave them to her and asked for my parents key back which I received. I had made a blog post (a little rude) calliing her selfish and the day that she dropped my stuff off would be the day I voted republican. She made reference to this in a really snarky, icey tone. I hadn't been rude to her in person and assumed she hadn't been reading my blog. My mistake. In any case I got up to pay for my oil change and cried a little but she couldn't see. I left without another word to her.

In any case this really hurt, I blogged about it and had several temper tantrums. I decided to take the questionable posts off just to let this go. But I stick by my point from a deleted entry that I should not have to edit my self just because Kat is making the silly decision to read my blog.

My boyfriend came over last night and we had food from California Tortilla for dinner. We played with the kitties and watched tv. We also did one of my favorite things (ok, not THAT favorite thing). We just talked. I love just talking with people, or even just listening. Jeff is the sweetest, most gentle and handsome man that I've ever met. He always says the sweetest things. Last night he told me that my sadness is beautiful. No one, I mean NO ONE has ever said things like that to me. Don't get him or me wrong. He wants me to be happy and laugh and what not. But, he understands why I find the world so hard and depressing. And he loves that about me. If I didn't know better, I'd say that he's a player, but he's definitely not the type. And did I mention he brought me flowers?? One of these days I'll have something besides my boyfriend to talk about. At least it's not my depression :-)

Turns out said boyfriend IS coming over tonight. Yeah *happy dance*. So technically I'm staying home, but I still get to see the boyfriend. (insert huge grin here)

to make me sad with just a few email exchanges. My mood was great today until I exchanged a few emails with Kat. I initiated it because I needed to know if she was going to be at the next ritual. We didn't say much but just that little bit of contact was enough to make me a little depressed.

Part of me is screaming at myself, what are you doing in a relationship 3 months after what you thought was the love of your life left you. But one of the many things I've learned in therapy is that you have to pick yourself up and carry on no matter how much you don't want to because you will be pleasantly surprised. Part of me is terrified that what if I just think I love this guy because he wants to be with me when no one else apparantly wants to. But then I can think of all of the reasons I love him and then I realize that I love him for other reasons. I stumbled across an advice website (through blog explosion and promptly lost the link) and someone had written in about being scared about a potential new relationship soon after the loss of another one.

My sweetie calls me acoupple hours after I had text'd him (see previous/next post). While leaving the house where he plays music with a group of people he slipped down the stairs (missed the last two). His ankle completely swelled up. So Jeff went and bought ice and drove back to the immediate area. He went to the hospital. And like any good girlfriend in love would do, I went to the hospital with my baby. He is fine, it's just sprained. But he definitely appreciated the fact that I met him there. Like I wouldn't go?? He's my boyfriend and I'm in love.

So last night I decided to tell my boyfriend that I loved him. I was too scared to do it in person so I text it to him on his cell. I ended up seeing him again (see previous/next post) and he told me that he had planned on sending me flowers today telling me to meet him after work that he had something to tell me. DOH!! Oh well. It's the thought that counts. In anycase we're apparantly both in love. Happy Pixie

Jeff played this song for me and said it was our song. It so totally is. I was laughing so hard.
Rialian will totally appreciate this.

Adam Sandler and Someone else

[Adam:] You don't mind that I think
everybody's a robot and all
my conversations are being recorded

[Lisa:] And you don't mind
that all of my pants are way too short on me
and I also stabbed someone
with a pair of scissors a long time
ago (ha-ha-ha)

[Adam:] And you don't care
that I collect dead animals from the
side of the road then pretend they're
alive and think I'm a famous
football player

[Lisa:] And you don't have a problem with me
when I follow people I've never met before and force them to
look at the portrait of Neil Diamond
I have tattooed on my back

[Adam:] It's very pretty, baby

[Both:]

Well you must have been sent from above
You're all that I can think of
You're just as psychotic as me
My crazy love

[Adam:] Well it never bothers you when I
wear my snowsuit to bed every night
and I make you speak in tongues to me until I
fall asleep

[Lisa:] Blah bloo blah bloo bloo
[Adam:] Thank you

[Lisa:] And you don't make fun of me
'cause I still make out with my stepfather
and I also tell everyone I was on a UFO
for two and a half years

[Adam:] I believe you sugarpie
[Both:]
'Cause our love is right on track
I'm yours, your mine it's a fact
Don't forget to take your Prozac
My crazy love

[Adam:] Well yesterday I tickled a man who wasn't even there

[Lisa:] Oh three days before that I ran down the street in my
Wonder Woman underwear

[Adam:] I didn't care Babe I know I never had a job
'cause I'm afraid to talk to people
'cause I know that they're all robots who are
seeking information

[Lisa:] They can't fool you sweetheart
And I know that you know that I'm the one
who burned my cousin Chester's house
to the ground but you told the cops we were out
ballroom dancing when the came and questioned you

[Adam:] I ain't no fink, dollface
[Both:]
'Cause we know that it's true
Only I could love you
We both eat with our hands
My crazy love

[Lisa:] My crazy, crazy love
[spoken to end]

[Adam:] Oh I wish everybody was dead except for you, baby
[Lisa:] I feel the same way Would you throw some macaroni on
me?
[Adam:] Oh yeah, here you go
[splurt]

Where ever you are, I want to email you so badly but I know that I can't. On the off chance that you might come by my blog I'm leaving this message for you. Thank You for saving my life. Thank You for finding me a psychiatrist whom I really like. And thank you for finding me a new therapist who is very sweet (though she's still not you).

My life is FINALLY coming together after years of hell and I'm just about to cry in happiness. I'm in love and my mom is going to help me with some financial difficulties that I have, Thank You Mother Sugar for showing me how to deal with my depression. Thank You for helping me. And thank you to the Gods and Goddesses for making this all possible!

My doctor hinted that I've gained to much weight. I'm 5'1 and weigh 130 lbs. I previously had an eating disorder and HE'S complaining that I've gained weight. You'd think people would just be happy that I'm eating. For gods sakes my clothes size is a 6, Since when is that too much weight?? He didn't outright say I was fat, but he had this tone like, oh you've gained weight since your last vist. I almost said sarcastically, yeah, well eating will do that. But I refrained. And people wonder why older women are getting eating disorders. Ok so I don't exercise like I should but I'm not obese. Morons! OY.

I don't remember the last time I smiled this much. My face is constantly smiling. I swear I must be beaming. All because one guy likes me. Have I mentioned I'm so crazy about him?? Tomorrow I get to meet his lesbian sister which I'm really excited about. What is the matter with me? I'm 32 not 16. One of the things that has me so silly and happy is that his friends really liked me. That's always really important that you are able to get along with the friends. And I almost immediately felt very comfortable with them.

Plus, I just got told I could bring him to this wedding I'm going to in October. Excuse me while I go act like a 16 year old.