A week or so ago I emailed Mother Sugar because I really wanted to tell her about Jeff. I got this email back from her the day I emailed her but I've been sick...

It is wonderful to hear from you. I have thought of you often.
I couldn't be happier to hear that you are happy and have found a
loving, fun, and supportive relationship. With all of your great
qualities I'm not at all surprised at how quickly this happened. I feel
really good that this "I told you so" is the kind with a positive tone!
I can't think of anyone more deserving of being "adored" and valued. On
top of that, having someone call you on treating yourself badly... well,
what a bonus! Jeff sounds like a really good guy with really good
taste! It seems as though you've made a good adjustment to the new
living circumstances, I hope eventually Simba does the same.
So glad to hear that you are feeling well and have been able to
reduce therapy to once a week. I know how important it was to you to
get your life back. I miss working with you as I knew I would, but at
least I know you are in very caring and capable hands with New therapist and
Shrink.
Thanks so much for sharing what's going on in your life. Not at
all inappropriate, and my time well spent. All my best wishes.
With fondness,

I may have to go back to my eating disorder group. Of course now I live 40-60 minutes away. FUCK. I've been having a hard time eating again and I know Jeff is worried about me. I don't know what to do. I started looking for a new group closer to where I live, but of course there isn't squat. Bloody Hell.

Last night Jeff and I were watching Family guy with his best friend. I was completely exhausted from running around all weekend and was on the verge of collapse when we sat down to watch family guy. Normally, I love the show, but I'm tempted to send a nasty email to fox and the Family Guy producers. THEY MADE FUN OF RAPE VICTIMS, and compared a guy getting a prostate exam to getting raped. Half way through the show, I stood up and said I couldn't watch any more and went into the room where Simba is. I heard the two guys talking and told them not to change the channel for me and prompted to start sobbing all over Simba. A few minutes later Jeff came in and comforted me. His best friend offered to leave and did so a few minutes later. I'm so embarrased about the entire thing and Jeff totally understood and said that Vasili (best friend) totally understood and no one thought anything of it. They said they're embarrased about being men sometimes and could understand why I was upset. This man is amazing!!

I'm terrified of this relationship with Jeff. He seems really good for me. Except for his habit of critizing things which really isn't so bad. He was joking about me moving in with him but I think he was half way serious. I told him to give me two more months and I'd probably move in with him. I'm so afraid it's going to be a Kat repeat. Pretend to love me, pretend I'm the love of your life and then dump me the second life gets a little difficult with me. Can't really blame me for being terrified.

I've graduated to having therapy only once a week! YES!

I really wish I could send her an email and tell her that I have a boyfriend now. If we ever get some of the professional photos I'll send her a link and tell her then. But I really miss talking to her.

So I saw the shrink yesterday. To my enormous relief we are not adding another medication. We are going to slowly increase the prozac back to 60mg. Only this time, very slowly. Next Tuesday, I have my annual physical and then my shrink wants me to ask him for a prescription pain killer for if the prozac headache comes back. We hope it will be a temporary thing and that maybe it will go away eventually. I just hope he'll go for this.

I had a dream about her last night. I was very upset/depressed about something in my dream and Judy Densch (I didn't watch anything with her lately, What the Fuzz?) kept telling me she had a surprise for me and led me out of this house. There's this covered carriage and they pull it back to reveal Mother Sugar at which point I fling myself sobbing into her arms. Me attached to my therapist?? Never, Damn I want her back. New Therapist is nice, but she's not Mother Sugar. I can't get over not having her as my therapist and today its making me really upset. I don't have Kat, I don't have Mother Sugar, I'm insecure about this whole dating shit again and CB is an ass of epic proportions and I'm never going to get my chance to hit him and call him a lieing son of a bitch to his face. Not that he reads this blog but if he did here's a virtual slap across his face. *Slap* You bastard.

Have I mentioned the lower Prozac has stopped the headaches and neck pain? However, my mood is dropping. Good thing the shrink is back next week. I did wake up at 3.30 this morning with a horrendous headache and had to get up to take something.

Well, I'm becoming more and more convinced that this is a Prozac headache. Damn it. My shrink is on vacation for the next two weeks. No way am I living with a headache for that long. So tomorrow I'm going to have to drop the dosage on my own. I am so NOT amused.

Of course I should try drinking more, that might help. I never drink enough.

I had another episode of cutting last night, only this time I chose to be creative and tried to cut words into my thighs. No the cuts aren't deep, they won't scar. But I'm not going to tell you the words because well It's almost embarrasing and you can probably imagine just how bad the words are. I'm not sure how ledgible they are, I know what I wrote so that helps. Yeah, I'm going to have fun telling the new therapist about this.

And no, he hasn't called. Anyone else but me NOT surprised?

Have I mentioned I'm a little on the scared side that CB will actually call me? I know what he'd tell me if he knew that, he'd say "But it's just me". Yeah but 1- now we've slept together and 2- he knows I've been in love with him since I worked with him.

Please let me go crawl under a rock and forget last week.

Well, if (and that's a big, big if) CB calls me and asks how I"m doing now, I'm going to reply fine, no problem or something along those lines, if I can pull it off. Let's just hope he doesn't read my blog. I had a relapse of cutting today. I went to the bathroom with the box cutter at work and cut on the inside of my thighs. Much easier to hide those then if one cuts on the arms. Ironically (or maybe not) its also the place I was really sore afterwards. Must exercise more. *Snort* As if. Anyway, Its not like I'll be having sex with anyone any time soon. Me have issues? Never. I'm just hoping CB will get past (or even better, just forget) what I told him and will still treat me the same despite the one night of fun we had. And yes, otherwise it was a fun night.

Kat, do not keep reading if you read this post, you don't want to know more. Otherwise continue in the extended entry.

Loosing Kat and Mother Sugar at the same time. Am I ever going to get over either one abandoning me?

Since my sister's wedding, I've at least been able to cry a little more. Prior to my sisters wedding, I just didn't cry. Once I got home from the wedding though, the dam started to break and I find myself finally able to cry a little bit. I'm so pissed and angry. I'm now 32 years old and single. If I choose to have a child, I have to meet someone soon. Nothing like pressure.

Speaking of Kat, you may be wondering how the hell I'm holding up. I have no fuzzing clue what so ever. When I go home and I'm taking care of the rats (she's on vacation) I tend to burst into tears. Last night I had several long hard sobbing fits. My defenses have come down a little since my sisters wedding and my shell is cracking a little bit now. I miss Kat, I'm furious with her. She was my soul mate. How do you leave a soul mate?? I will never forgive her for this. When she regrets this and comes back to me, I am not going back to her. I will never forgive her for leaving me when Mother Sugar was abandoning me. I'll never forgive her for leaving me while I was still recovering from my 2 year depression. I'm so deeply hurt that there just aren't words to explain the pain I'm feeling.

I honestly don't know how the hell I'm ever going to trust anyone again. If Kat abandoned me, who the hell would stay with me? My heart is completely broken and I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to love anyone or allow anyone to love me. But that's even assuming I'm ever able to leave the house to meet people.

I pulled into the garage where her office is and I suddenly was filled with panic. I seriously considered leaving my letter to her with a check under her windshield and fleeing. However, I did end up staying and forced myself to go upstairs. We both cried. I cried for almost the entire session. If I wasn't crying about Mother Sugar retiring I was crying about Kat leaving me. Half the time I wasn't sure if we were discussing Kat or Mother Sugar leaving. A lot applied to both situations. It hurt so much I couldn't believe it. I wasn't able to work up the courage to hug her which is what I really wanted to do. I didn't ask her if she had children which is also what I wanted to ask her. But I couldn't. At least I was able to give her the letter that i had written basically telling her everything I wish I could have said to her in person but knew I wouldn't be able to.

On the way back down to my car I almost had a panic attack since I was crying so hard. I also was beginning to hyperventilate but managed to calm down. I can't believe I'm never going to see or talk to her again. I never got to hug her which I really wanted to do. Sigh.

Tonight is the final session with Mother Sugar. I have absolutely no idea how the hell I'm going to get through it. I have written her a letter with everything that I wanted to say but know I won't be able to. I hope I'll be able get the courage to give it to her.

STB was back in group last night. At first he was calm. By the end of the group (which felt like it would never end) he wouldn't shut up again. He just blabbers and blabbers and blabbers about SHIT. He throws out all these big words and I'm not sure he actually knows what they mean because he doesn't make any sense. Plus he's a criminal, or so he says. Kat thinks I should email Red about it and I think I will. But I see Mother Sugar this evening so I'm going to discuss things with her first.

I also had a check in visit with New Shrink and I'm still really liking her. All meds staying the same for now.

So last night I had group. The girl who had introduced me to this group (met her in the hospital last year) had been out for 5 weeks, back in the hospital. She's a total doll and I was really happy to see her again. She looked really healthy. The other patient whom I also really like (NP2), was back as well. She had been given an ultimatum to gain weight or she couldn't come to group and have therapy with the leader who is her individual therapist as well. But NP2 (nice Patient2) had had a family meeting with the therapist and they negotiated a comprimise. NP2 has 8 weeks to gain the weight, go to individual therapy twice a week, go to group once a week, see her nutritionist and md once a week. All of this to prevent going to the hospital or stop treatment. Third patient was also there and the fourth was off on vacation.

In any case there was also a new patient whom I'll call STB. It's short for Stinky Teenage Boy. Yes, there's a guy with an eating disorder in our group. AND HE WOULDN"T SHUT UP!! AARRGG!! My safe place has been invaded by an annoyingly selfish teenager who is half my age. OY!! I'm hoping it was just nerves because otherwise no one else will ever be able to get a word in edge wise. I also know I'm getting old because (Shoot me! I'm sounding like my mother) he was mumbling incoherently and it was driving me crazy!

This past weekend I started taking zyprexa again. Both Saturday and Sunday morning I was able to sleep in until 9 or 930. Before, I was waking up at 7 or 8. Can I tell you how wonderful it is to actually sleep in?????? This is helping my mood a lot.

In other news, I still don't know what to do about Mother Sugar. Last week I told her I was only going to see her three more times. But the next day I had a minor meltdown and ended up talking to her on the phone. I don't know what I'm going to do. I suppose if I'm starting to feel better I guess I might as well just stop seeing her in 3 weeks. It makes me really sad.

But now I'm starting to get reallly excited over my sisters wedding which is in a little over 2 months. I just wish my Maid of Honor's dress would come in.

I am really trying hard to get myself back into the blogging. But I'm having such a hard time. I appologize for not coming around to everyone's blogs but I've been feeling SO Shitty. I'm down to one session a week with Mother Sugar and tonight is traumatizing night. AKA- night of therapy with Mother Sugar. I'll have a week to recuperate before I see her again. I can't stop seeing her immediately because I'm not sure yet of this potential new therapist without a nickname (Any ideas?) I'm a extremely anxious of seeing Mother Sugar tonight because it's just going to remind me of what I'm loosing. Sigh. I'll try to think of something else to talk about but that's really the only thing going on. I promise to keep trying to blog. So what internet blog crap have I missed? What is everyone up to???

I've been really busy at work and so I haven't had time to blog much.

Last night I met with a potential new therapist who seems pretty nice. I'm going to have to come up with a nick name for her as Mother Sugar will always be my cherished therapist who's abandoning me. But I digress. New therapist (until you or I think of something better) is closer to my age then Mother Sugar is. Not sure if that's good or bad. Just different. There was a dog food and water bowl in the room which I asked her about. She said there's an office dog who is sometimes around. That is so awesome. This place got cool points just for the dog and I haven't met her yet (the dog that is).

But potential new therapist seems pretty nice and next week I have another appointment with her. This week I dropped to seeing Mother Sugar only once a week which was really difficult as I've been seeing her twice a week for over a year. This transitioning to a new therapist is totally sucking. I'm never going to be able to talk to or see Mother Sugar again after June and it's absolutely killing me. I'm going to miss her so much.

Last night in therapy with mother sugar totally and completely sucked beyond belief. The entire time I was desperately trying to fight off tears and trying to not hyperventilate. At the end of the session she had moved from the couch where she usually sits to the chair at her desk which is a little closer to where I sit. She tells me, very sweetly and very sympathetically that she's sorry that she is the reason I'm so upset. She also says she's still my therapist and wants me to call her if I need to. I finally couldn't take it anymore and just started sobbing hysterically. (I typically cry, tears running down my face, but I rarely sob). I got up to leave the session (it was over anyway) and she called my name. I kind of backed my self into the corner by the door and most likely looked like some cornered animal. And of course when you sob like that, you end up slobbering all over one's self. Like I wasn't embarrased enough to be sobbing but then I act like a 3 year old and have to wipe away my own slobber. It wasn't pretty.

In any case mother sugar had me sit down for acouple of minutes until I could control my crying a little. I don't really remember leaving but I know as soon as I was out of the building I was sobbing again. That was a lot of fun. And starting next week, I'll only be seeing her once a week. Have I mentioned this is killing me??

I think I've just about had in. In my quest for looking for a new therapist I decided to call the nice doctor who ran the first e.d. group I was in. Of course, she doesn't have any availability. I think I've had about as much as I can take. At least I have a new shrink who is really nice. But finding another therapist is going to kill me.

I'm sorry i've been gone so long. But I needed a mini break without announcing a break because I didn't know how long it would be. Basically the last two or three weeks has been me crying hysterically, getting used to the idea that Mother Sugar is retiring. I've met with two psychiatrists. One was fairly nice and the one I met today is really nice and so she is the new shrink. I will have to come up with a nick name for her. But that's pretty much all I've been doing is trying to survive. In the past few days I've started to feel like my old self again so I've come back to blogging.

This just isn't fucking fair. Last night Mother Sugar told me she's retiring at the end of june. I thought I was going to die when she told me. I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up with a massive headache at 5am. Of course as soon as I was awake I was in tears again. Excuse me while I go hide under a rock and sob my heart out.

WARNING: VERY LONG POST Ahead!

Well that was not what I was expecting to happen. I'm stunned beyond words. I'm going to try to explain what the hell happened last night.

I got there and when I went into her office I immediately told her that I had made an appointment with a neurologist like she requested but had canceled it when I discovered that a lot of the symptoms that I have been having (confusion, amnesia) could be caused by the prozac. I had printed what I had found out from the internet. She asked to see it and so I showed her what I had found. She looks it over and then proceeds to tell me that I don't know how to interpret the results. Let me tell you what b.s. that is because the source fully explained what everything meant. Frequent side effects = X number of patients per hundred. But Dr. Pscyho implied I couldn't possibly understand the study/PDR because I don't have a medical degree.

She got mad at me because I "refused to listen to medical advice" and that I had dropped the amount of prozac I'm taking without her advice. She told me she couldn't work with someone who didn't listen to her medical advice. (Uh advice doesn't mean ordered to last I checked her). I told her she wasn't listening to me and she kept getting more and more pissy with me like I was personally offending her. I NEVER used cuss words, nor did I yell. The worst I did was raise my voice in frustration when she would listen to me. I got pissed at one point and said my previous shrink may have stared at my breasts but at least he occasionally listened to me.

Wish me luck. In an hour and a half I'll be confronting my Bitch Shrink about this. I'm so in the mood for a good fight. And I desperately want to have a temper tantrum and storm out of her office. Of course this all depends if she's appologetic or not. If not, today may very well be the last session I have with her. No one get in my way, I'm pissed and ready to bite someone's head off.

You may remember me telling you about having all of this confusion and thought processing problems. My shrink took me off one of my medications but the problem didn't clear up. She claimed it couldn't be the prozac. So stupid ol me believes her and evenutally I make an appointment with a neurologist for this upcoming Monday. Today I was searching for Prozac side effects online. Guess what's listed there. Amnesia, Confusion. There were also a few other things that I've been having that could have been caused by it Headaches. I am so dumbfounded as to her incompetence. I think I may have to go get another shrink again. What a bitch. Idiot. Why do I bother with women doctors, they are fucking morons. FYI- I'm female so I can bitch about the incompetence of women doctors. I have yet to meet one who isn't a rude bitch.